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Happy New Year Jokes And Riddles 2018 New Year
1. “New Years parades have a lot in common with Santa Claus. Nobody is awake to see either one of them.”
2. “Knock Knock!
Mary and Abby!
Mary and Abby who?
Mary christmas and a Abby new year.”
3. “My grandparents had resolutions like donating more time & money to charities. I’ve decided to make my own coffee once a week.”
4. “My new years resolution is not to shovel snow. Since I’m gonna be in Florida, I feel pretty good about it.”
5. “I think it’s great to make your first date a New Year’s party. That way, you’re at least sure you’ll get to first base.”
6. “Who has time to party on New Year’s Eve? It takes me all evening to set my clocks ahead a year.”
7. “My brother’s New Year’s resolution is to move out of my parents house. You’d think after 49 years he’d try another one.”
8. “May you find the strength to write, “Who is this?” to all the strange numbers that text you “Happy New Year!” tonight.”
9. “How you elect to spend New Year’s Eve will depend on your:
2. remaining levels of optimism
3. threshold of pain!”
10. “What do you tell someone you didn’t see at New Year’s Eve?
I haven’t seen you for a year!”
Happy New Year Jokes About New Year Resolution
11. “This New Years I resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.”
12. “Heartwarming Miami tradition: Asking people not to shoot guns into the air on New Year’s Eve.”
13. “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.”
14. “On New Years, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.”
15. “If you make a New Year’s resolution to eat a healthy diet, and you keep it, you won’t actually live longer, but it will seem longer.”
16. “An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.”
17. “My New Year’s resolution is to eat better, so from now on, I’m going to only date guys who can afford to take me somewhere other than McDonalds.”
18. “Every New Year’s I have the same question: “How did I get home?””
19. “Women get a little more excited about New Years Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.”
20. “What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year?
He gave up thinking.”
Best Happy New Year Jokes
21. “This New Years I’m going to make a resolution I can keep: no dieting all year long.”
22. “Every New Years I resolve to lose 20 pounds, and I do. The problem is that I gain 30.”
23. “A new years resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.”
24. “I like New Years. The confetti covers up my dandruff.”
25. “New Year’s Eve, when auld acquaintances be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.”
26. “I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.”
27. “My new year’s resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to Auld Lang Syne.”
28. “Wait a second, there’s ANOTHER year? I have to do it all over again???”
29. “Every New Years I celebrate making it through another holiday season without killing my relatives.”
30. “What’s the problem with jogging on New Years Eve?
The ice falls out of your drinks!”
Happy New Year Jokes Funny
31. “On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck – the bartender was almost crushed to death.”
32. “It’s been a tough year, but I’ve made it so far!
But not everyone is as lucky as I am!”
33. “My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.”
34. “I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.”
35. “On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.”
36. “Just got out of prison after attacking a man on New years eve.
Excuse me for getting nervous while an Arab was counting down from ten.”
37. “My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.”
38. “A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.”
39. “My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.”
40. “क्योंकि कविराज कबीर जी ने कहा है,
कल करे सो आज कर, आज करे सो अब,
नेटवर्क बिझी हो जायेगा तो विश करेगा कब?”
Happy New Year Jokes And Riddles
41. “You don’t have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.”
42. “Chuck starts the new year by roundhouse kicking the old one.”
43. “This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.
The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. “Why do you want two tattoos there?”
So she says “Because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years.””
44. “Q: What do you tell someone you didn’t see at New Year’s Eve?
A: I haven’t seen you for a year!”
45. “If your born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!”
46. “Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.”
47. “Families are complicated enough, but things became even more confusing after my father decided to get married to my brother’s mother-in-law. “Now I can’t make up my mind whether he’s my dad or my father-in- law,” says my brother, “or if my mother-in-law is now my stepmother, or whether my child is my daughter or my niece.”
48. “A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, “Happy New Year everybody.” and the waiter says, “We are in June you drunk man.”
And the drunk man says, “Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!””
49. “I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. “Have you ever heard of a drink called ‘Seven Young Blondes’?” I asked. He admitted he’d never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he’d be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. “Sir,” I asked the customer, “can you tell me what’s in that drink?”
50. “A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
“If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it.
But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise.””
Related Tags: Happy New Year Eve Jokes, Jokes About New Year Resolutions, New Year Funniest Jokes, Happy New Year Jokes And Riddles